amazing kisser

hes still on the brain... and in my phone book, and called me tonight.

meanwhile i haven't seen him since last september. crazy how he can still have this effect on me.
we've been playing phone tag but i took his call when i was leaving work tonight. never really figured out where we stood after i tried the last relationship.

i felt funny still talking with him about getting together over the summer when i was dating the last guy. so i emailed him back in march:
i never seem to catch you on the phone these days. so here goes email. a dangerous combination of it being late night and moreso my emotional roller coaster days before my period but im terribly honest about sharing my thoughts and so i want to share this with you. no i havent been drinking but i did indulge myself with a hot fudge sundae earlier tonight, very yummy. anyways...
last summer may have been just a good time for you but i need to thank you. my ex hurt me both physically and emotionally. while i knew it was so messed up what he did and knew i deserved better i never thought i could really open myself up to opening my heart again. your freedom of expressing love without truly being in love was my gateway back. youre an amazing intimate lover. i have overly enjoyed reminiscing the past few months of our few shared times together.
why am i choosing to say thank you now? as much as i dont want to deny myself the pleasure of being with you again i know i want more than a lover. ive been free of dating and looking for someone having been more than happy meeting you last year. altho thats also led me with time to realize whats important to me and what i want. still not really sold on the kid idea but definitely want to find one man to spend the rest of my life with. all i can do is hope and pray that when i find a potential guy i feel a spark of what i felt when i was with you
surprise im crying to myself right now but this is pretty big for me. ive really listened to myself and what i want and the biggest sacrifice is letting go of the best times ive ever had. but now being aware of opening myself up i couldnt possibly knowingly be with you again knowing how hurt i could be.
wishing never to say goodbye but more happy than anything else that i got a chance to know you, and moreso feel you

tonight he reminds me of the great time we had when we were together and how i should let him know if i want to get together again. but after i talk to him now i just cry after. im just sad because i know all the passion is only for the moment and i want MORE. so again i turn to writing because on the phone with him all i can say is i dont know.
tempted to send my current thoughts:

After hearing your voice, putting down my phone, I close my eyes and I see those blue eyes and I want nothing more than to feel your arms around me.

I'm a family girl that loves every minute I spend with my niece which has made me realize how
blessed I would be if given the opportunity to have my own children.

So...No casual sex. No lustful passionate making love without truly being in love with someone.
I want a man that is also family orientated. Someone that believes in marriage and wants to at least try to have a baby together. I want to be able to share our days with each other and be held every night.


I'm so attracted to you so I don't think its the best idea to see you.

Enjoying our chemistry will only be a temporarily escape in the moment.

But after I will feel more alone than before.

I miss the after... more that the act of being with someone.
I am over my ex but I am not over wanting to spend the rest of my life with someone.

So that's my story. I can't make love again unless to start a family. I want that more than sex.
I feel to cheesy to say it aloud. I'm more of a writer than a talker so there it is.