frustrated incorporated

if you meet someone and have amazing chemistry and you connect, mind, body, and soul
if you start talking to each other practically daily
how much time can you let pass without seeing that person?
life sometimes pushes us into different directions but ahhhh dont you make it work?
can you really be so chill and confident that we will have our time?
why cant we have some of that time now?
why am i always for the future?
frustrated incorporated

lovers

i have a lover that is amazing. yet i find myself wanting more and more a lover with even more to offer. he is passionate and sweet and listens, but not the guy that's there for all those other moments. sigh. i am not looking to end this chapter any time soon, hes the best lover i have ever had. i have never wanted anyone as much as i want him. i even cried once while we made love.
thing is i dont want to cry when we arent together. im not really looking to cry when we are either but if thats how my emotions come out well, im always about expressing how i feel when i feel it, so, so be it.

do i have to end this "relationship" tho to find someone that can offer it all?
will i ever find someone that can offer it all? : (
it seems while i dont mean to settle for less, this is the most i have had in a long time and cannot let it go although it is making me hungry for more, much more...

You Make Me Feel

Remember that song from back in the day by Becca, You Make Me Feel... like loving you?
Well does he ever... I was too sensitive earlier to that comment, he did call the next day and we have been getting together at least once a week. He remains to be the best kisser ever and so much more. Mmmmhmmm.

one last chance

i couldnt wait. i had to meet up with that amazing kisser again! omg was it perfect. he took me to this private beach which had the picturesque staircase to the water which led to a beautiful clearing with an amazing star filled sky, with the water right there, peaceful waves lightly crashing creating the perfect atmosphere. loosing all track of time in his arms, kissing, and more, but not everything, not that yet anyways. not for this girl. but we did have an amazing time.
then planned on meeting up tomorrow night at the beach near me. however the forecast is for rain. so much for our plans. so i talked to him online before. i told him about the forecast and i asked:

me: so if it rains tomorrow night and we cant do the beach what other plans do you think we can make

he says: dont know

me: well do you still want to see me ;-)

he says: yeah if its not raining

not that i thought this would or could be more, but that kinda killed it for me right there. i mean no beach no nothing? seriously? well then, can't say i will be anxious the next time if im not worth making out in the rain. so much for one more chance, at least i thoroughly enjoyed the time spent together. so much so that it made me hungry for more again in a healthy natural way. even the most amazing lustful connection can be not enough anymore.

what can i say i want it ALL. thats right. everything. i want the passion of course but with the regular day to day stuff as well. waiting for my future love and loving life on my own till then. one day i will have my man to walk alongside during the rain : )

platonic friendships

got an email from a good friend of mine today. met him after the break up last year. he had just finished med school and was missing his friends that all went off in different directions. being that my ex had been my best friend i was looking for some new friends. a new dinner/movie buddy was just what the doctor ordered and i thought it was working out great for us.
then i get this email from him today:

the thing of it is, I was starting to get attracted to you. And I know this is supposed to be all platonic and I know you don't feel that way. I know we both aren't looking to get into anything serious, we have our cultural differences etc. I thought a lot about if I should even bring it up but it was just getting hard to hang out and not say anything but then I felt like a jerk for being out of touch for so long. I don't know if I should have told you, sorry if it was wrong. Anyway, I know, it's a strange email...but, well guess I'll wait to hear your thoughts.

What do I say to that? I'm sad. I really enjoyed our friendship but no I don't feel that way about you... I don't want to lead him on, we were both in it for a friendship and nothing more. I thought because of our religious and cultural differences it would make it easier to have that platonic relationship so many men and women fail at having... blah.

So can men and women have platonic friendships? I have had very bad luck in this department... the guy either wants to just fool around or give a relationship a chance. Sometimes a girl just wants a friend though, is it only natural to want more from someone that you can have such a great friendship with? If so then why do I never want more from these friends?

thurs night so right

you know in sleeping beauty, when she meets the prince and they sing, "i know you i walked with you once upon a dream", well it was something like that the other night. in a weird but really good way it felt as tho we had been together many times before... we walked down the boardwalk, then along the beach, then found a lifeguard chair where we sat and talked more. altho we didnt share our first kiss till just after we saw the first star. AMAZING KISSING i mean the way kisses are supposed to be... of course there was more, but not too much more, and just amazing kissing. i felt so loved in his arms with him holding me, kissing me, my lips, my mouth, my forehead, my ears, like a lover ive been with forever. it was so right and so great.
the best part is instead of the wondering if hell call or if and when i will see him again i am just so HAPPY to have lived in that moment with him and so natural with him that i know when the time is right we will be together again. also to be reassured that you cant pretend to have something when it isnt there, it is true youll know, youll know. dont waste your time with the wrong ones because you always know when hes wrong for you but think eh why not. oh because, once you are with a guy that is so right everyone else is oh so wrong and you remember what chemistry really truly is. and another great thing, it wasnt just me feeling this, he was saying it to, how it felt like we had been there together before... sigh, and he even called me before i could call him when i got home. yes thurs night oh so right : )

link to once upon a dream: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpk7bccuY9s

goodbye to online dating hello to one last chance

so i deleted my online dating accounts on monday. embarrasingly enough i had instant messaged one last guy before deleting my profile. except i didnt message him through that dating profile but thru aim... and referenced my other online profile. he was like how many accounts do you have? truth - i had three total. altho i dont think you can really count catholicsingles.com i dunno, a pop up one lame weekend and i thought id give it a try altho nothing ever came of it. so didnt want to leave one active out in cyberspace that i never logged into i was sure to delete that one too. okcupid had only resulted in one actual meet up. and plenty of fish i was on for like two weeks and not so loving the whole online dating thing anymore i went to delete it but only after giving one last guy one last chance. i have to say i am actually really excited to meet up with him later. i am not against meeting somone online but its so rare to ever talk to someone and really hit it off with, i mean the chemistry is really there. i never like to have high hopes but gosh i have been so good for so long why not let myself just enjoy a good night. im not a rules girl and not looking for anything more than a fun night so please let it be fun! so far so good just looking to enjoy myself a lil ;)

instant messaging

i HATE when guys will not contact you more directly. they say hi or hey, and blah blah blah forever and will initiate the conversation but omg imagine if you do not sign online they will never contact you any other way. seriously LAME. ok so its just one guy and i know what that means but why even bother with the im then. buh bye!

oh i heard back

that guy i mentioned last post... the so called "next time"... he hit me up via text message, hey you want to spend the night with me ;)

oh no he didn't

yes, he did. thats right, just like that. so what could i say? "honestly no but if you want to chill sometime or grab a few drinks im down" and no he didn't ask to chill or have drinks again, that was it.

i am very happy for his forward honesty so neither of us wasted our time but damn.

ok that picture is not me but i was like WOW! seriously? my best friend couldnt believe i was surprised by this and yet i was and still am.

last nights meet up

talked to a guy online the other night whose in was our high compatibility having a 92% match and 0% enemy rating. he was cute and had personality online to keep a conversation going so i went with it and gave him my number. thankfully he has a good voice and stayed easy to talk to. went out for a couple drinks last night. there were a couple times when i was smiling and laughing my cheeks hurt. it was like hanging out with an old friend in that there was no awkwardness. it felt like we were catching up verses meeting for the first time. which after going on a ton of first dates the past few months is always refreshing. now even tho i was really honest in saying how i hate when guys call and text too much too soon (because we chatted first day for awhile and then talked on the phone longer, then texted the next day, and talked on the phone, before meeting up, so i dont want over kill to soon, thats fine to make plans but i dont want to do to much too soon, and yet it would be nice to hear from him again soon... so yes i am a woman and i am entitled, its just how it is sometimes. i am happy to have just enjoyed a good night out, and to have spent some time with a guy that knows how to treat a girl. hope i didnt push him like i do most guys is all. no reason to think that i did being that he did text me last night after i called him to let him know i got home like he asked. he does want to have a next time. im hoping we do it was just too late to make official plans but looking forward to him following up, or then hoping for another date where i can feel like im meeting up with an old friend verses a first date over drinks interview getting to know each other.

anonymity on the web

id love a place where i can express my true feelings without necessarily sharing them with those that may be offended by them. where else but online does one go to these days to get this sort of anonymity. ironically to set up a new gmail account for this blog i needed to submit my cell phone number. so much for feeling smart entering "first" as my first name and "last" as my last name.
altho i have no real attachment to my cell phone number its just a tracer because its impossible not to leave a trace these days. no worries here... all i have are my own personal thoughts and opinions. usually i speak my mind freely to others but sometimes i still have more i want to say and this will be my outlet. just thought it was funny that while i thought i was being all slick typing in my first and last names as such i got caught having to submit my phone number. so much for anonymity on the web altho im guessing most of you have my tech skills which means you have no idea of how to track my number and why bother, wouldnt we all just rather post on here than call or text anyways? at least when releasing your inner thoughts which is what i shall continue to do here.